“My God, how can I go on? I trust you, and I have to. Everything and everyone else – save her – is a letdown and a vapor. I see through them, and everyone sees through me, but that’s because I don’t know how else to be. Sincerity and authenticity – those comprise me. It’s valued, and it comes naturally. I’d tell you what was wrong with me, but you couldn’t handle that. I’d tell you what to do about it, but you couldn’t handle that either.”
I’ve written much about the emotional darkness following my traumatic brain injury (TBI). It has been a trying seven years, having to recurrently meet and continually beat a villain trapped within me. My wife, Chelsea, and I have reflected on this struggle. She’s had to deal with my emotional battles in ways far harder than me, and I praise her for perseverance and patience.
Notwithstanding the difficulties faced, Chelsea’s said the darkness has proven itself a light in my life: rounding me out, softening me down, and teaching me empathy. Things I would not have learned had the TBI not occurred.
I’m happy to say that most of 2023 has been marked by emotional stability. There is a particular day when this change began: January 30, 2023 – the last time I recall being gripped by a desire to commit suicide. This was also the day I wrote and published “Melancholy” – which is my top entry for 2023.
I think “Melancholy” has proven impactful for others because it puts a personal tune to something so many deal with. Emotional struggle is a chord that appears to hum along the inner-lining of modernity. It is a sound heard by many persons but often ignored by people.
The writing has been read by people from all over the world. And I did more than simply write about my feelings. Instead, I wrote at my feelings:
So, hold on. Hold onto your kite of a life – where some days it’ll fly high, others it’ll fly low; some days it’ll toss to and fro, others it will not; but regardless of what happens to your kite, the number one task is to keep a strong grip on that string. And maybe that’s the right perspective: to hold onto life like a string to a kite. Because that’s all you can do.
Trust Him with the weather.
“Melancholy,” January 30, 2023
In short, my number one writing for 2023 reflects a turning point in my emotional health, a movement towards the light sourcing the shadows. After all, there are no shadows without light, and finding it means finding Him.
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