I’m not chasing happiness. I’m not chasing a high. I’m just trying not to be sad. There’s a difference. The default of a normal person is not sadness, nor is it happiness. The default is just okay. Left to myself, without a passion, a vision, or a people, I feel pretty awful. But even with knowledge of hope, even hope eternal, I still feel this way. I’m broken, I’m tortured, I’m ripped apart. But I’m only known by few. Yes, his heart is bleeding, but so is his mind. I could tell both, but it would all unwind.
There’s a way to go, there’s a way to think, there’s a way to feel, but who knows the way to be? The transient times are upon us. The fleeting nature of he’s hot, she’s hot, that’s cool, that’s not cool, that’s fun, that’s not – it’s all going to rot – but so am I. Yet that’s not the cause of this melancholy. The cause of this melancholy is divine.
God wants me to be sad. At least, that is part of what He wants. He wants to balance me. In the main, He wants me to better glorify Him. But when I feel like this, I don’t want much of anything. It’s soul-clenching. He struck me with this; He created me for this; He knew what I would go through; He planned for what happened; and He directed these steps. What am I to do except accept?
I don’t need to fight for happiness. I don’t need to wade in my own despair. What I need is to accept my lot, something we all must bear. The solution is found on the outside, but it’s not found with anybody or any place, but in the Lord, and His sovereign grace. But it’s directional. It’s not grace for the sake of grace. It’s grace for the sake of God’s glory. And God’s glory is directional, too. He’s taking me somewhere with this. The down days make the up days, and the up days make the down days. Everything is connected to Him, and everything will go back to Him. Which means the tears, the melancholy, the pain, the sadness, the happiness, the glory, the victory, and the failure is all good so long as it goes to Him. As it all began with Him, so it will all return.
As He spoke everything into existence, so we speak our existences back to Him. The fate of our future lies with “the [O]ne who hears.” He began a good work in you, and so He, not you, will bring it to completion. That’s what I want: completion. But that’s what I could never have, nor could I create. Emotional completion, spiritual closure, and life on the other side of hope. It’s the consummation of hope. It’s the desolation of misguided desire. It’s the free man confined to his spot, and the good authority who put him there.
Taper, taper, but none the greater.
Weep, weep, the pain is deep.
Break, break, the spirit aches.
Something not attached to a purpose is nothing. But that something does not exist, because everything has a purpose. The key to all of this is perseverance. My God, how can I go on? I trust you, and I have to. Everything and everyone else – save her – is a letdown and a vapor. I see through them, and everyone sees through me, but that’s because I don’t know how else to be. Sincerity and authenticity – those comprise me. It’s valued, and it comes naturally. I’d tell you what was wrong with me, but you couldn’t handle that. I’d tell you what to do about it, but you couldn’t handle that either.
The role of the leader is to lead, quite obviously. But leading involves more than just taking people somewhere; it requires having been taken somewhere first. I’m speaking about the leader people want to follow: it’s one who is empathetic to the human condition; it’s the one who has been the kindle, the spark, and the flame at one time or another; one who has taken life head on despite life hitting him head on; one who has persevered; one who has born his cross and seen it to its glory. Praise the Lord for the pain. Praise the Lord for the melancholy. Praise the Lord for the despair. We praise because He gave, and we praise because He also takes away.
How does one handle it? You hold on, and you wait it out. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. The scariest thing would be for God to give and not take anything away. Or in the reverse: to never give. Because this life is fallen and broken, it needs to be taken away. God gave the earth, it fell, He took evil away at the cross, and He will make all things new. So the formula: He gives life, He takes away death, and He closes with eternity. In the end we’ll all see what really mattered, but by then it’ll be too late. See it now, believe it today, and follow it forever.
You persevere because your end is secure. I’ve seen a great end in sight. I know I’m made for glory. I know the Lord is with me. I have this confidence because of Him.
I’ve come to better understand how Job could say in Job 1:21, “Naked I came from my mother, and naked I will return. The Lord has given, and the Lord has taken away. May the name of the Lord be praised!” We praise Him for all things because we know and trust that He is in control. It’s not an intellectual knowledge; it’s a spiritual, supernatural knowledge. If you are not praising God for the event or thing before you, then what are the other options? Job’s wife had another: “Curse God and die!”
I feel as though I was born with this awareness and belief. How did Rembrandt know how to paint so well? How did Beethoven know how to write beautiful music? But my knowledge of his presence in my life does not mean my life is consistent. Indeed, love is a mysterious thing. Life is a mysterious thing. And the God who sources both is a mysterious being. As such, this melancholy is mystery.
The ups and downs are good because they are divine. I have never been a person that likes things staying the same anyway. He’s making me into a whole person. It’s not that I need to move away and pray for better days; it’s that I need to keep trusting Him to hold and carry me to glory.
Persevere because the end is near. You will get there. You will get to the reaper, or the reaper will get to you. Regardless, the end remains the same: expiration is sure. But the hope of eternal salvation is even securer. Thus, this present suffering truly does not compare to what is to come. You go through the pain, but you will someday not be in pain. You cry, but sometime later you will laugh. But that laugh will go away, and so will those tears. Yes, we get glimpses of the new life to come with our emotional fluctuations. One moment we are in a type of hell, the next a type of heaven.
So, hold on. Hold onto your kite of a life – where some days it’ll fly high, others it’ll fly low; some days it’ll toss to and fro, others it will not; but regardless of what happens to your kite, the number one task is to keep a strong grip on that string. And maybe that’s the right perspective: to hold onto life like a string to a kite. Because that’s all you can do.
Trust Him with the weather.
Cameron Fathauer 